


Forever

by imnotmadeofeyes



Category: Bandom, Of Mice & Men (Band)
Genre: AU, Character Death, M/M, Suicide, Trigger Warnings: Suicide, major angst, trigger warnings: self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-22
Updated: 2014-05-22
Packaged: 2018-01-26 03:37:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1673249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotmadeofeyes/pseuds/imnotmadeofeyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Is it really taking the coward way out?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forever

**Author's Note:**

> I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID. So it's been a shit day and I needed to get all these feelings out and then I remembered the prompt I got a few days ago on Tumblr and I decided to write this because, you know, I suck.  
> Please don't read this if you're easily triggered by the topic of suicide because that's all this is about, really. I don't want to harm anybody with this.  
> ________
> 
>  _"could you write austlan where one of them dies bc suicide?"_ \- anonymus

_Dear Austin,_

_The moment I saw you for the first time, I knew you were special. You walked into that room and you looked so out of place with your emo hair, baggy jeans and bandhoodie. You stood in front of the class, had to introduce yourself, and I couldn’t tear my eyes away. You found me staring, and I smiled at you to cheer you up. You smiled back, and it was small and fake, but in that moment I was smitten. Do you remember?_

Yeah, yeah he remembered. Austin remembered seeing that boy in the back of the room staring at him from beneath a too long orange fringe, pouty lips parted just slightly. He remembered the nervousness that had been eating him up all day, that had made his fingers shake and his voice quiver. He also remembered how the smile of that boy gave him enough courage to mutter out his name, why he had transferred to that school and how old he was, what he liked to do, just like his teacher had requested. The boy offered him a seat and then offered him a name, and from then on, it basically was history.

_Of course you remember, it’s a dumb question. I know you do, Aus, because you’re sweet like that. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and the best person I’ve ever met. You’re so pure and innocent, yet so undoubtedly strong. You’ve been through so much, all on your own, yet you’re here. You’re alive. You’re doing so good, darling, and I am so proud of you. I could never be as strong as you are, really. You thought I was, I know you did. You thought I was your rock, the one keeping you together. But really, it was the other way around._

Austin remembered the day he said that, too. It was the third anniversary of his mum’s death, the first he shared with Alan. Austin was in a bad condition, and Alan spent all day in bed with him, cuddling, wrapped around him to stop his tears from falling. In the end, Austin had thanked him – had told Alan that he was his rock, and it was true. Alan had kept him together. Without Alan, Austin would be nothing. That boy was the most important thing in his life, and it had been like this ever since the first day.

It had never been a secret between them, that they were just two broken boys pretending to be fine, struggling to survive a little more every day. But they had each other and Austin had thought it was fine. Except, it obviously it hadn’t been.

_You know, I never wanted to hurt you like that. There’s been a time when I thought ‘Well maybe he’ll be enough’. There’ve been times when I believed it with all my heart. You made me happy, Austin, and you were the best thing in my dumb life. You have to know that. Don’t blame yourself. I don’t care what you do, just don’t blame yourself. I know you do that a lot. You take the blame for stuff that you haven’t even been doing wrong. It’s just the way you are, caring too much about everything._

They had often gotten into fights because of that. Austin always thought he was the one why things went to shit. Once, when they only got a D on a project the two had to do together because Alan had been too lazy to do his shit and Austin had to do his part of the presentation in ten minutes during his free period so Alan would at least have a little bit to say, Austin almost had a panic attack over the outcome. It made Alan angry, it always made him angry. He shouted at Austin them, made sure to get his point across: Austin had never been the one to blame.

Still, Austin couldn’t help himself. Of course it was his fault. Wasn’t that obvious?

_But you have to believe me: This Is Not Your Fault. I’ve always been fucked up, and I can’t remember a time where I actually didn’t feel like a freak – except for the time I spent with you, obviously. It all came from me. You can’t possibly understand how much I hate myself, Austin. I hate my stupid unruly red hair, I hate it that I’m this short, I hate it that I never get a proper tan, I hate it that I’m that lanky, I hate my body. I hate it that I’m lazy and dumb, that I can’t ever be good enough. I hate it that I’m this weak, covering my body in bruises and wounds that have no other cause than my own two hands with metal between their fingers. I hate it that I’m disappointing you like this. I hate myself, and I’ve always hated myself. You couldn’t have changed that if you tried._

Austin could feel the first tear leaving his eyes. He’d known that Alan had been conscious about his looks and his personality, but he’s never thought it was that bad. To Austin, Alan was the most precious being on the planet. He was short, alright, but not that short, and while he was skinny, he pulled off the slender muscle look really well. Austin loved that ginger hair, those thick pink lips and these shining dark eyes. To him, Alan Ashby was perfection, even with all his flaws. He’d spent hours kissing the scars on the younger’s thighs, hips, stomach and arms, and it had never changed his view on the other male in the slightest. If only, it had made him more gorgeous in Austin’s eyes, another reason to love and cherish him with all his might.

_People probably won’t understand why I’m doing this, won’t understand why I’m gone now. I have never had it that bad, I know. You were sick, dying, you lost your mum, you never see your dad anymore, yet you’re there, you’re fighting. You’re strong. There are so many people who have it worse than me. Still, I am the one taking the coward way out. I want to say I’m sorry for dying, but really? I’m not. I’m glad I’m finally gone now._

Austin couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe that he was gone now. That adorable little ginger princess that he loved so fucking much, he was gone now. Austin shook as he tried to hold in the sobs threatening to leave his throat, but he couldn’t stop reading now. The letter, written in the scruffy, unruly, curled handwriting of Alan that was so familiar to him, wasn’t over yet. Austin didn’t know if he really wanted to go on though. Still, his eyes never held in, never stopped reading, even though his mind was overpowering.

_I’m sorry for leaving you though. For the past three years, you’ve been the best thing in my entire life. You never failed to make me smile, you made me feel wanted and needed and loved. You don’t understand how much you gave me. You gave me a reason to hold on just a while longer. I’ve never been happier than on the day that you finally kissed me. Your kisses, your touches, just your fucking smile, I lived for that. You, Austin Carlile, are the love of my life, and I know for a fact that you loved me, too – I’ve never experienced anything as amazing as that._

At least Alan knew, Austin thought with something of a scoff that sounded more like a sob if he was honest, a pathetic little sound. At least Alan knew how much he’d loved him. How much he still loved him. They were only teenagers, they were still so young. Austin was about to turn nineteen, they had only finished high school four weeks ago. And now Alan would never get to grow up. He would become one of Peter Pan’s lost boys after all, just in a really different way than they had planned.

_I don’t want you to do the same mistakes as I did, Aus. I know you can do it. You’re strong, and you're talented. Your music, it will bring you far. You are an amazing artist, and you are an amazing person. So there’s the one thing I am asking of you: go on. You can mourn all you want, take your time, I know it’s gonna be hard to be without me, and I’m sorry I have to put you through this, once more. But don’t stop too long, otherwise life will leave you behind as it goes on. Collect yourself, get up, set your crown straight and become the savior you have always been._

_I love you, Austin. I love you so much. I am really sorry you have to lose yet another person that meant so much to you, but I just can’t do it anymore. One day, we’ll see each other again. And I’m already missing you, but I still hope that day comes later rather than sooner._

_Yours entirely, forever_

_Alan_

Austin cried helplessly, tears streaming down his face in cascades. He couldn’t see straight, yet the scene in front of him was clear as day: the bathtub, filled with water long gone cold, bloody tiles and bloody water, a naked, fragile, pale body inside. Dead. The mop of ginger hair that Austin loved so much, it was wet and matted now, the very tips bloodstained as well. Alan’s eyes were closed, and he almost looked like he was sleeping – sleeping in a murder scene, though.

Austin’s shaking fingers lowered the letter, a letter that was clean and neat, unlike everything else in this room. He knew for a fact that Alan hadn’t written this right before he did what he did, he’d done it in advance. He had planned it. And it pained Austin so much. How could he not have noticed his best friend of three years, his boyfriend of two years getting bad like this again? Strange, high, whiny sounds filled the room, and it took the boy a while to realize that in fact, he was the source of them. It only made him sob harder.

And then, then his eyes fixed on the bathroom drawers where he knew Alan had kept the bottle of meds for his insomnia. And suddenly, suddenly his body went calm. Before, he had been shaking, he had been sobbing, he couldn’t track his thoughts, he was a mess. But in that moment, he became calm. People might call it numb, but all he felt was calm – there was no other word for it. He got up slowly and took the bottle of pills out. It was still almost full. He shook all of them into his hand, determined, and swallowed them down with a few gulps of water.

Only then, Austin walked back into their room, not caring that he was staining the carpet with the bloodied soles of his converse, and picked up a pen from his desk – his vision already starting to spin. He messily scrawled a few words beneath Alan’s letter, and took it back to the bathroom with him, the white paper now crumpled and stained. Austin was getting shaky now, his legs no longer strong enough to keep him upright. He sunk down on the side of the bathtub, carelessly sprawling his limbs over the floor. He wouldn’t have thought that the pills would start working this quickly, in a matter of short minutes, but he guessed it was because of their high dosage and the amount of pills he had swallowed.

Shaky fingers of a cold-sweaty hand wrapped around another hand long gone cold and stiff, and the last thing Austin saw before his vision went blurry and finally black was the letter his free hand was clutching in his lap, the words he’d written beneath them.

_I’m sorry, but I can’t grant you that wish_


End file.
